Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
you're hired as official boob wrangler
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
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