is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
It's all good. Going back to my room to try and air out my balls.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
