The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
