i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Randomize
