Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
This is clearly one of those "A hole's a hole" situations
I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
Randomize
