i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
we're talking about where were going. or where we stand. but yeah we'll basically be doing it in the hallway so just ignore us
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
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