He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
Randomize
