my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
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