I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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