Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
she told me that she was curious about how cum tasted. of course i left you.
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
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