So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Randomize
