apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
Hurricane Sex Time is the only thing iv said since it started.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
Randomize
