saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
i was just lookin through my fb pics and i think im with a cat in like 40% of them..: how sad is my life
guys are not supposed to queef...right?
"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
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