so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
I was so high i believed someone when they told me le moyne beat syracuse
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
Randomize
