Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
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