So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
Have you ever noticed every guy named Shaant has scene hair and date girls with racoons stripes in theirs
His name should be shouldn't
We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
