Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
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