ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
