Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
Dude...disintegrating condoms. Think about it. For all the guys that wanna go raw dog but their girls won't let them, and for the girls that wanna get pregnant but their guys don't want a kid. What do you think?
I think you've been hitting the soco too hard again.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
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