Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
By connection do you mean me drunkenly grinding my ass on his lap for an extended period of time? If so, then yes, we had a "connection"
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
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