he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
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