k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
You need a sexual gate keeper
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
Randomize
