Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
Why does She think it's her duty to welcome in freshman through the welcome mat that is her vagina
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
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