so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
Don't judge me. He's really sexy for a 17 year old. We made nasty in the womens bathroom at the beach. Don't worry. I wore sandals in there.
None of that is ok.
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
Randomize
