Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Randomize
