Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
