guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
