I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
