Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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