did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
going to class with no bra.. is that saying "i don't give a fuck i'm one hour away from thanksgiving break?"
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
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