Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
Is this a definitive no? All is forlorn? Such is fine, but i'm drunk and a sucker for concrete answers
Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
Randomize
