I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
Randomize
