The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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