when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
he wanted to have me eat skittles off of his body. he mad gay sex even gayer.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
Just saw the trailer for Spike Lee's version of Oldboy. They filmed a lot of it in A's building so like every scene features a place where I had or almost had sex. If oral counts then pretty much every scene.
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Randomize
