walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
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