im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
Definitely saw about 20 people at my final that were never present before. It's like seeing who's gonna be serving me fries in 4 years.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
Brb crying the tears of my youth
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
Randomize
