There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Randomize
