I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
If your still trying to figure out the moment I stopped caring; it was the point in which you said "I really wasn't sure whose baby it was"
Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
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