I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
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