I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
Randomize
