Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Randomize
