just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
