I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
Actions speak louder than pants.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
Randomize
