So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
i wants your nipples near my face. PLEASE????
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
I think I have vodka in my lungs
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
