Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
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