420 ftw
Soo both my 8 year old sister and fuck buddy are named Sarah..
this can't be going anywhere good
nooope. guess which one i texted last nite to come over so i could "punish her pussy"? =\
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
Randomize
