Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
