My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
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