If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
Randomize
