seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
My vagina just recognized that song.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
Our logic class started an hour ago, I walked out and found my sister drunk, sitting down, eating m&ms, afraid to walk in... I want her life
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
I just got back to our room ....neither of us spent the night there but both our beds are occupied. send help.
I can't put those talents on a resume
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
